Friday, March 18, 2005

Have Fun or Else!

Our team at work did well this year - so well, in fact, that each one of us qualified for our company's highest award, a 3-day trip at a posh resort culminating in a dinner in our honor. I was particularly excited to win because this year the event will be held at the elegant, luxurious Del Coronado , a historic beachfront hotel in San Diego that I would never be able to afford on my own. The trip is planned for late April, and Chef and I have been looking forward to it for months. There are loads of places to take the kids - the only tough thing is deciding between Lego Land, Sea World, or the famous world-class zoo. Chef is also hoping to get a few rounds of golf in, and I thought I might actually take a rare opportunity to pamper myself at a nearby salon.

Then, the dreaded memo from HR arrived Friday, breathlessly announcing a new event being added to the weekend's schedule:

We have decided to up the fun factor a bit and bring out the competitive nature of the sales teams with a Beach Olympics contest.The Beach Olympics will offer a fun-filled team building competition, on the beautiful beach of Coronado. The DJ will energize our teams as you complete a warm-up stretch and dance, 5 Wacky Relays and Tug-o-War competition. The Del recreation staff will facilitate the entire event from start to finish ensuring an exciting event.

This news was greeted among my officemates with the same enthusiasm we might exhibit towards an invasive root canal. Quite honestly, I simply cannot imagine anything less pleasant than spending all morning freezing my ass off on a beach with a bunch of complete strangers while some preternaturally perky facilitator forces us through a strained regimen of manufactured wackiness. And this is supposed to be our "reward" for being the company's top revenue producers?

We grumbled amongst ourselves for awhile, and debated whether or not it was worth it to respond to the HR director and ask if it was strictly necessary to attend this fiasco. No one seemed willing to do so, so I decided to politely email her myself. Little did I know that one of my other coworkers had the very same idea. We immediately received the identical perfunctory reponse: it IS mandatory, the president of the company feels it builds cameraderie, and we are expected to be there. At that point, we were all prepared to just suck it up and let the matter drop - what choice did we have?

The next morning I came in to an email from my boss. Apparently, the HR director felt the need to contact her personally to let her know that two of her employees had dared to question the necessity of the event, and suggested that perhaps she should try to communicate to us the CRITICAL IMPORTANCE of participating. As it happens, my boss could care less - I think she'd be more surprised if we didn't bitch about attending. But I was supremely annoyed that I cannot ask a simple, reasonable question (I merely asked HR to let me know if attendance was required so I could arrange for babysitting) without being tattled on like an errant kindergartener.

So we decided to have a little fun with her. One by one, all of the employees on our team emailed her individually to ask if attendance was mandatory. C. noted that she was not going to have anyone to watch her 18 month old daughter that morning. TOO BAD, she was told. The event is mandatory for all the "winners" and their guests (umm, now she's going to tell my HUSBAND what to do? I hate to break this to you, sweetie, but he'll be LONG gone on the golf course by then - along with C.'s husband and our bosses fiancée) and if need be, she needs to arrange child care with the hotel at her own expense.

B. told her that he probably wouldn't be able to make the event, because his wife is still recovering from donating a kidney early last week. TOO BAD, he was told, he still needs to be there - although she did generously offer to provide a chair for his wife to sit in.

Towards the end of the day, there was only one person left to send an email - our accounts manager M. By this time we figured the HR rep must know that this had turned into an office in-joke, so we told M. not to even bother with a legitimate sounding excuse. "I know - tell her you can't go because you want to get your nails done!" I offered. So she did just that. Her message read "Unfortunately I will be unable to attend the Beach Olympics due to a previously scheduled massage, manicure and pedicure."

"Man, this is really going to piss her off," we laughed gleefully. "I can't wait to see what she says!"

Her response? "I understand. Please just let your manager know. Thanks!"

So nice to know where the company's priorities lie: child care crises or recent kidney removal are not acceptable reasons for missing corporate-sanctioned fun. But a manicure/pedicure? Totttallyyy understandable!


Blogger exute said...

Up the fun factor preturnaturally!

Who could argue with that! I only hope that the event doesn' turn out to utilize hereronormative language.

If it does, let me know.

5:22 PM  
Blogger exute said...

Excuse the mis-spellings. I would say I needed a secretary- but that might be interpreted as preturnaturally heteronormative, and we wouldn'd want that.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Gooch said...

I don't know if I ever mentioned this to you, but at my last company, during the 1st annual company-wide sales meeting in Atlanta, the wife of the VP of our division came up with the brilliant idea of showing how enthusiastic and loyal the West Coast sales staff was by coming up with a number of songs for us to sing to the rest of the group at the convention. One was a take-off of "YMCA" but substituting the company's initials in the place of YMCA and the other was a take-off of "Living La Vida Loca" which was the big hit at the time.

The lyrics were the absolute height of corniness, stuff like,(to the tune of YMCA) "No rep - does it all by himself, it takes teamwork, that's the XXXX way".

Even goofier, the lyric sheets we were emailed included explicit instructions of the exact point in the song where our group should walk out into the audience and recruit sales reps from other regions to join us on the dance floor, ultimately culminating in one, big happy company happily singing and dancing together. The wife of the VP was in absolute shock that the rest of the sales staff was not nearly as enthusiastic about her grand scheme as she was (it ended up with about 4 people singing with her, yours truly not being one of them).

9:06 AM  
Blogger Hilary said...

That is too funny!

You'll love the Hotel Del, it's beautiful. We used to go visit whenever we had friends in from out of's gorgeous!

If you have time, check out the Zoo or Sea World. Skip Lego Land, it's just an amusement park.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

That is just too crazy! Have fun during your actual free time. Maybe show up to this event with wet finger and toenails and tell them you just came back from a manicure and see what happens.

11:58 AM  

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